So there’s been this meme going around social media in which women proudly post pictures of their “real” selves: no makeup, no filters, and then you must say how old you really are. It’s supposed to be empowering, and in many ways it is, but something about it has been stuck in my craw for weeks now and I haven’t been able to shake it. What’s wrong with this meme?
For one thing, it strikes me as funny that the women who participate are usually pretty good looking without makeup and for their age. I’ve yet to see a truly hideous picture. And you know they exist. Admit it. Hideousness exists, though it’s impolite to point it out. But I can point it out in 10 seconds by taking a picture of myself, no makeup, just after waking up.
The thing is, that is my private self. That’s what had been stuck in my craw as I observed the meme developing. What do I need to prove by displaying my private self to my 5000 friends? That I am comfortable with the way I look? Of course I am. The way I look when I tidy myself up and put on really good makeup and if somebody takes a picture of me that doesn’t live up to my expectations, use as many filters as I like until I am satisfied.
This meme comes as a reaction to the oppression women face about their looks. If you aren’t young and pretty (read: attractive to men), then you are useless. No more roles for you in movies, Debra Winger. Usually 40 is The End. That’s why this meme is meant to be empowering: Look at me, world, I’m 40 (or 50, or 90) and I love myself for who I am without makeup. Well, I say, good for you.
What the meme is also is an implicit criticism of women who wear makeup and otherwise alter their appearance. So if I color my gray now, I’ve caved to the patriarchy, I’m not being myself. I must let my hair be natural and have my face be clean in order to qualify as real . . . .
Hell no. That’s just another set of rules. Freedom isn’t the exchanging of one set of rules for another (see The Who), it is the absence of rules. I’m publishing a book next year. It requires an author pic. When I suggested to some of my friends that I might use a picture of myself created with FaceApp, they were horrified. Admittedly, with something like FaceApp you can alter yourself to such a degree that you suddenly become Kim Kardashian, but even Kim Kardashian isn’t Kim Kardashian. Go chase her down somewhere and see what she looks like up close. You’re likely to be disappointed. That’s what my friends said about my controversial author pic (one not as altered as the one I posted on Facebook). What if you give a reading? Won’t people be disappointed by what you look like for real?
There are so many things wrong with this line of reasoning that it’s a challenge to address them all, but here’s a few. Why is my unaltered self more real than my made-up self? What is reality? If I wear sunscreen to prevent wrinkles, am I destroying my real self? If I comb my hair? How far do we have to go before we can be real? Another problem is the issue of disappointment. So you’re disappointed by the way I look after having seen an idealized version of myself in a picture? Maybe you shouldn’t put so much stock in the way I look. How about letting me open my mouth and speak my mind before you decide I’m disappointing? At the end of the day, this “real me” meme is still about judging women for their looks. You don’t see men participating, do you?
So I propose a new meme. A #YOUBEYOU meme, where we all post pictures of ourselves that we like, whether you have ten pounds of makeup on or not, whether you’re flopping around all over the place or wrapped up like a taquito in Spanx, or whether you’re just as the camera captured you or you’ve used twenty filters to get there. You be you, and I promise I won’t be disappointed.
